starting to think I think too much.

look at me

I am writing a blog, having sex with feminists, reading stupid books and still being lazy about everything.

I study sociology, theology, politics.

I think I’m so fucking clever.

I’m not.

I’ve had people spot me on the street, thinking. Not wearing a mask.

“hey i saw you walking on the street earlier, but i didn’t want to disturb, you looked like you were mentally on another planet”

A girl recently told me that my brain is too heavy from carrying so many thoughts, and its affecting my posture.

I even met a comedian here in Copenhagen, who told me i think too much.

Let that sink in…

A COMEDIAN TOLD ME I THINK TOO MUCH.

Thinking is almost the entire job description of comedian.

So then i really must have a problem with this entire thinking thing.

Am i thinking TOO MUCH??

My dad would often go all in on things he was doing.

Often i see my dad in my own actions.

I go all in. Everything has to be 100% all the time.

When things don’t go like i envisioned, i often get really depressed. I’m a failure.

I am an insecure and self-conscious man.

I find others observations of me concerningly fascinating.

I know everbody loves talking about themselves.

I wish i didn’t.

I’m not even interesting!

It would be so cool to just not care about me.

Every thought spent on thinking about stupid me, is time taken away from thinking about actually important shit.

I want to become a super-material man!

In my free time in Trondheim, I made videos for a student mediahouse. There we have a tradition of writing anonymous nice things about each other every semester.

These things are the best. They’re like free data material for my anthropological autistic brain. We feed each others egos with compliments like cattle in a feeding row. We feast on these affirmations about ourselves.

Even when I’ve had the worst time of my life, people still notice some good stuff about me.

On paper, this should be nice, but on the other hand, this goes to show the disconnect between the perception of me, and my actual feelings.

Sometimes, i feel as though these nice compliments are throwing me further into a caricature of myself.

I am being flanderized.

I am flanderizing myself.

All my complex essential traits are being oversimplified to the point where they constitute my entire personality.

As a comedian i can easily justify talking about myself as research.

I need to be goofy, and i need to be fun.

After slowly crawling out of a deep depression, i had some good news for an aquintance of mine.

She said “Thats so great to hear! Does that mean you’ll be funny again??”

…

How would you respond to someone saying that?

…

I cried.

…

I need to have unique thoughts, they need to be better than average..

I’ve often thought that my personality only exists in society, and not in my head.

If i was alone in the world with only myself, i don’t think i would be me.

So then who am i?

Am i me, or am i the society around me?

If i could just be myself that would be nice.

I just think that all these thoughts are getting in the way!