meant to be?

People keep telling me if it was meant to be, it would’ve been.

But that line of reasoning assumes i didn’t make a huge mistake.

And we all know people make mistakes.

Especially me.

I’m afraid of loving.

I’ve never been happy alone.

Since i was a teenager I’ve been jumping from one relationship to another.

The small gaps of time where i was single have felt horrible.

It feels scary to know that another person holds the power to send me back into the horrible lonely existence whenever they feel like it.

One of my ex-girlfriends told me i was more funny before we became a couple.

That painful comment made me realise that even if someone does not care about my material qualities, such as looks or wealth, there are still emotional criterias that need to be fulfilled in a relationship.

Of course, this means being a good partner, but what does that entail?

I often think to myself: What if i one day stop being funny?

I think this is the reason why I often don’t like being funny on dates.

I don’t want partners to like me because I am funny.

For me, funnyness is fleeting.

But that’s exactly why i was scared of being with you. It felt suspiciously unconditional.

What would i do if you one day wanted to let me go? This fear lead me to the conclusion that i should let you go before you could hurt me.

I realised that I’ve ended a lot of my relationships because i don’t respect people who like me: after all, I’m a stupid horrible idiot. If you like me, you must be even worse!

I’m done with this self hatred!

I want to love myself like you said i should.

Many people have told me i am not horrible but i only believe you.

I liked you so much that it made me like everyone else more.

So if i can learn to like everyone else, i should learn how to like myself.

After all, who am i to think that i am somehow more terrible than anyone else? What kind of inflated sense of importance have i been having? I’m not special! I’m probably just as bad as everyone else! I should act accordingly.

Although i remember all my painful mistakes and stupid ideas, i need to forgive myself.

I want to love safely, knowing that the next relationship isn’t dangling me above a pit of lonely depression.

I need to stop finding the meaning of life in women.

Maybe if i can learn to like myself, it will feel like wearing a parachute on the airplane of love.

BOARDING GROUP B PLEASE COME TO GATE.

Oh you bet I’m going on, but only if I’m ready.

And when I’m boarding that plane, i will do it with a luggage full of love.

Tax free.