collateral abandonment - post mortem.

Its been a year and a half.

if i knew I’d loose you too, maybe I would’ve stayed with her.

I sent you a message the other day but it didn’t feel the same.

I mean, i never expected it to feel the same, but this wasn’t even in the same ballpark.

I don’t know what i was hoping for, but still i was disappointed.

I understand.

Maybe you’ve been told something bad about me.

Maybe i didn’t mean as much to you, as you did to me.

Maybe you just feel uncomfortable picking sides.

Maybe.

But why did everybody pick her side?

Why did no one ask for my side of the story?

I realise I am a stupid idiot driven to my mental demise by my own expectations.

I shouldn’t have expected anything.

I shouldn’t have expected you to ask me how i felt.

I mean, you knew her before me.

I don’t know what hurts more, them not asking, or you not asking.

Perhaps I am entitled for expecting a “Hey how are you”.

Looking back at the situation, I should have reached out myself. But i could only take so many no’s when i already felt so weak.

After asking them so many times, and getting so many painful rejections, I couldn’t bare yours too.

The others wouldn’t even spare me an honest no.

I would talk to them, try to invite them, but all i got was a horrible, cold, norwegian shoulder.

After everything we had, was this all i was worth?

Not even a reply? Or even worse: “a busy schedule?”

That is why i could not ask you too.

No. I could not bare it.

I was too scared and weak. I couldn’t take a final no from you too. I did not want to see you weasel away from me like the others.

Slowly my expectations started slipping downwards, closer to zero. That was the worst part. A slow descent into mutual abandonment.

In the end i realised that they are more devoted to social order than to justice. It fills me with rage and regret. I wish i at least went out guns blazing. I wish i wasn’t so nice to all of them. Maybe i could’ve gotten some small satisfaction if i got to call them dickheads or something. I guess everything i wanted, was to say something, anything.

I remember driving with you through those beautiful postcard landscapes, while listening to Billie Eilish’s “no time to die”.

I really enjoyed those rides.

If i ever saw you again, I don’t know how I’d react. I’ve decided that I don’t respect them.

But in my heart, I’ve made an exeption for you. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you moved before everything happened. Maybe it’s because you are special.

I don’t miss her.

I don’t miss them.

I miss you.

Was it obvious to everybody else?
That I’d fallen for a lie

I hope you’re well.